Here I am, started my new chapter, first month almost under my belt. Taking the time to; just be. Spending time with my family and friends, doing things I enjoy, saying yes. Yes to things I’ve said no to in the past, now I have the room to. Allowing my days to take their own form. Relying on my own drive and incentives to be proactive in decision making for the day; is proving interesting. It being solely my responsibility, what I do with my time, how I chose to spend it. In my old daily life that sense of responsibility was shirked off by my rote routine. I forgot that it had always been my responsibility. Whoa! right, Hmm, Eeek, SHIT! That in itself was quite the revelation
I am responsible for my days; rolling that around the cheeks, hearing it aloud,seeing it written down, it’s powerful stuff. It’s shown me that it goes hand in hand with being responsible for my thoughts. I like to fill my days with being outdoors and moving around a good deal. That’s where I feel most at ease, content. The sitting with myself, that’s what I find hard. Boy can I go slow, but stop. Stopping is, phew! …well it’s intense. It’s easy to fill your days with things you enjoy, it’s hard to go to the places of yourself you have avoided. Long avoided. Ducking and diving into the content happy la la place. If avoidance is the game, I play it well! TUCK AND ROLL.
When you stop, things get loud. Hark is that my intuition I hear? gut starts
talking, tummy fills with butterflies, then BAM!, the door flies open and in
storms the boogie man of negative city heights. Just when you think you’re
out…they pull you back in! Rushing in to hold me back. I’ve been working,
chipping away at my internal dialogue for a good chunk of time, and I am
getting good at closing that door, quieting the chatter. Choosing not to run
into the space made up of; unknown, uncertain possible crazy negative
What I have uncovered, or actually exposed, is a physical tick that goes back to my teenage years. With this whole responsibility realisation, clarity on my tick’s source has arrived. I can for certain see it is linked to how I see myself. A manifestation of non-acceptance of my outward/physical self. It’s a little devastating, especially as I have been doing it so long. The good news is, perhaps this acknowledgement can help me finally address it head on. And truly, that is good news .
I think the majority of us punish ourselves outwardly, subconsciously, for our inner anguish about how we feel about ourselves, our worth. The most common, or should I say most focused on, is body shape, accepting our form and shape. Over eating/under eating/Yo-yoing/Binging…. This is where there is a huge amount of punishing and beating up with negative perspectives. Another example being, biting nails when anxious, about a decision, a judgement, or our ability. So many of us are doing it blindly, we don’t even know we are half of the time.
My tick is related to my skin. How I punish it daily for not being perfect. Unknowingly so in the main, although often purposefully too. Hands wander its landscape, fingers seeking out imperfections. I have never had clear skin, well that’s not true, before I was a teenager I did. I remember thinking, when I turn 18 my skin will be perfect! Here I am at 37 with this imperfect skin. Yes it is genetics, hormones and things out of my control also. I have spent years looking at diet, trying a million products, going to the doctor, the consultant, taking this tablet and that tablet, applying the lotions and potions. Maybe it all boils down to me not truly accepting myself. I wrote a poem about it.
This Skin I’m in
Reading, learning, trying to remember and apply. All the care and work I put into understanding. Yet I scrape and scratch, pull and pinch my skin. This thing, this living organism that protects all of me. Blindly punishing its imperfection. I accept and love myself; The Who of what I think I am. But still I pick away my outward self. Missing acceptance of what makes up a whole me. Inward work to solve an outward puzzle. To accept the skin I am wrapped in.
Outward work heals inward pain, inward work heals outward trauma. We need some mindfulness of how both are so intertwined. We can lose that obvious connection. Be responsible in a kind and caring way. Remember you are golden and have the power to shine your light. Acknowledging and knowingly moving towards the whole true spirit of who you are.
I hope that you can find something in this that you might relate to in your own journeys into further self-love and acceptance. Be wildly responsible for your gorgeous big, glorious life. Keep climbing.