Open the Throttle

I can’t quite wrap my head around what it is I want to share. There is so much to talk about and yet so little to say, on the other hand, I feel there is so much to say, with not very much to talk about. The pen falls between these cracks again and again. I walk away from making mark to paper. Shoving my notebook in my backpack, on a shelf, under a stack, avoiding its call.

Ideas cuing up, growing frustrated when I jump line from one seed or fragmented thread to another. I continue this way, unwilling to commit to a topic. Running out of steam, blowing hard to find no fresh air free, unable to inhale and breathe life onto a page with conviction, with my convictions.

Ruminating on the shoreline, standing stuck in the mud, watching the horizon in the distance. Open the throttle. Just see where the words take you, where do they run to, how do they slow, when do they stop to rest, do they grow strong again and forge forward in a good direction, on a path, carving through, opening up the road ahead. Uncovering their view.

What truly holds you back? Do you feel, can you find the naysayer, poking, stinging; waspy little voice. What’s its root? How did its seeds manage to reach so deep and sow themselves so well? Bah Humbug! How dare it take up such comfortable residencies and maim me so!

I prick up my ears, I hear it’s familiar noises; crashing, slamming, bashing, thrashing. I begin to step away, let it grow distant, feel pity for its petty need to draw my attention. I chose to lift my pen anyway. Here I am. What comes out is not new, it is the same battles I always fight. Searing through in different areas of my life. And each time I return to them; more whiley, steps quicker, feet faster, wisened heart with deeper depths to draw peaceful dialogue from.

Not only are we our greatest ally, we are also our greatest enemy. With each new day we continue to learn our strengths, see our weaknesses and draw from both. Both sides are our teachers. Coming from a place so vast and full, rich in knowledge. We remember we can choose, knowing that choice can be difficult and uncomfortable at times, but oh how lucky we are to actively decide. On easy days we practice this privilege seamlessly. On hard days we learn our lessons; we grit and grind to find ourselves high on the cliff edge before letting go and surrendering to our days challenges, and finally we decide to decide, and accept where we are. Who am I? How do I want to be right now?

Understanding in the darker choices we grow too, we dig deep, we uncover these roots and turn them over, again and again. Inspecting them, they are familiar, we know them well, we visit this place often, hello darkness my old friend.

What is it that I am saying? Can we befriend the beast, face the wolf, stare it in the eye, and…smile? I know you, how have you been? And it goes snarling and snapping, so we hold steady with patience, and then it gets quiet and all is calm.

We can’t be perfect, we can only do our best to stay true to ourselves, the good, the bad and the ugly. Take responsibility for where we are, and say to ourselves, it’s ok, this is what I am feeling and this is where I am staying today, with that comes peace. That too is a decision, a freeing realisation.

We may not always have the answers to why, but with patience they eventually do surface and show themselves, AHA! We remember again how to move, make space, accept, grow and celebrate our journey. Our journey to understanding what makes us tick, and how we might like to live our lives.

On the good journey, experiencing this planet in our own worlds, together. On some days we work, on others we play, and sometimes we even make hay come rain or shine. We are the light to our dreams, keep sharing, keep going.